Sometimes Saying Goodbye is Sadly Complicated

Tony’s dad died this week, and I am heartbroken. That may seem like an obvious statement, but I am sad at more than his passing. I am sad because I loved him and he is gone from the planet, but I am also sad because his relationship with my favorite human was complicated. 

Charles Frank Fish was 85 years old when he died on Sept. 20. While Chuck’s death was not a shock (he had been battling Alzheimer’s disease), I had hoped there would be more time. Is there ever enough time? There is never a good time to lose a parent. 

Tony bears a strong resemblance to his father and not just in appearance, although there is no denying the physical similarities. Tony, like his dad, is tall and slender. He even wears a goatee, just as his dad did for many years. (Note: I am going to talk about Chuck in the present tense here because he is still very much alive in my mind). They have the same hands. Tony teases me that I judge people as if they are horses, looking at their feet, hands, and teeth. He teases, but I do notice hands and both Tony and his dad’s hands are beautiful—strong, capable, manly. Tony and Chuck each hold their hands the same way—rubbing one hand over the other when they talk. Both men are handy with tools and can fix most things. I think Tony got his love of all things carpentry and mechanical from his father. Both kept impeccable garages—every tool had its place. Tony’s current traveling garage in the back of his truck is just as organized.

But the resemblance is even more than that. I sometimes hear Chuck's voice when my husband uses certain expressions. They have the same (sometimes naughty!) sense of humor. They move in a similar way. Even Tony admitted to me recently that he sees his father in himself. 

Father-son relationships can be complicated in the best of circumstances, but when Tony was about 7 years old, his parents divorced, and his hero father remarried and eventually created a new family. Tony and his younger brother, Bob, were raised by their mom just miles away from their father, his wife, Wendy, and their two children. This is not going to be about blame. I share this history by way of explaining that Tony’s relationship with his dad was complicated. 

There was emotional hurt and wounded pride on both sides, but there was also love. That’s why I wished for more time. I am a fix-it person, but sometimes relationships are what they are. Despite the complications, I have many good memories of Chuck. I know Tony does too. I am grateful that I saw Chuck and Wendy last September when I traveled through Redding on the way to my niece’s wedding. My sweet friend, Kathleen Tresser, waited for more than an hour in her car while I visited with my in-laws in their home. Chuck walked out to greet me and gave me a big hug (he was a good hugger!). We chatted and caught up and told each other “I love you.” I cherish that memory and the photos of that visit. I thank Wendy for that visit. It was a difficult day for her, and she graciously accommodated me.

The last two times Tony saw his dad were similarly sweet visits. One was at his brother, Mike, and Amy’s wedding. Chuck spent much of the three-day event just being near Tony. We had another brief, but sweet visit at a Round Table Pizza Parlor when we came to Redding for my brother Jake’s Surprise 50th Birthday party. I am going to focus on the sweetness of those visits and some of the great memories over the years, instead of fretting about what might have been. If you know me well, you know that the decision to let go and be at peace does not come easy for me. I am only going to speak about our relationship with Chuck since I married Tony in 1984. The rest is not my story to tell. 

Chuck, Wendy and their two children shared our wedding celebration (as did Chuck’s mom, Esther, and his brother, Phil). Chuck and Wendy shared many celebrations and special life moments with us over the years. They traveled (across the country!) to attend both Kelsey and Cory’s high school and college graduations. They were there for Tony’s Battalion Change of Command and promotion to Lieutenant Colonel and later to Colonel, as well as many other milestones. They also attended all of Tony’s military retirement ceremonies—there seemed to be a week of them marking his 32+ years of service.

Those are such sweet memories, and we appreciate the lengths they went to share those special times with us. I especially love the memory of Tony’s dad and his brother Bob, standing in military receiving lines next to him at some of those events. For Tony's Pentagon retirement ceremony, the receiving line was longer and even more special with our children, their grandfathers, grandmas and Tony's brothers Bob and Mike Fish standing with him. Such a cherished memory.

There were other shared events too. Family weddings and even a sweet vow renewal for Chuck and Wendy (married 52 years this year). Chuck and Wendy eloped, so their daughter, Erynn, surprised them with a vow renewal for their 40th Anniversary. Tony and I traveled to California from Kentucky so that Tony could “marry” them by officiating at the ceremony like only Tony could. He made them laugh and smile (and even shed a few tears). It is one of my favorite memories. Chuck and Wendy both looked radiantly happy. We all were. 

We also shared a crazy adventure to a West Point football game. I may have forgotten the tickets (safely on our fridge!), which required turning around more than two hours into our journey to retrieve them. That resulted in only a couple of hours of sleep at a hotel, so that we could finish our journey to see Cory in the small window he had as a cadet to visit with us. Thank goodness we raced to West Point for that quick visit because the football game the next day was a blizzard! We left the game early, but never made it back to our hotel and ended up sleeping at the home of someone Tony knew YEARS before. Of course, we drove around having misadventures for hours before showing up wet and tired at that officer’s door late that night! Ah, good times! 

There were lots of actual good times (as opposed to snowed-out football games!). Father’s Days, 4th of July at the Lake, California Hug Tours, boat rides and winery visits. Many of those times my dad and his wife, Cathy, shared in the fun. When I think of “the dads”—as I called my dad (John Jones) and Chuck—I smile. They (and their wives—both seem too young to call “stepmoms!”) enjoyed each other. They would work tirelessly in our kitchen at family celebrations to whip up delicious food. They would share jokes and drinks. I remember my dad teasing Chuck when Chuck asked whether the bacon dad was serving was turkey bacon. “Chuck, I want to live a long time,” my dad said, adding with a devilish grin, “But, I don’t want it to feel like a F—king long time. It’s real bacon!” 

My dad died three years ago this month. I like to think “the dads” are sharing cocktails and laughs again. Rest in Peace, Chuck (AKA Grandpa Fish). 

We love you…and that’s not complicated.

But Wait!! There’s More! 

I am THAT obnoxious photo taker! You know the one. Most families have that person that everyone groans at for photographing constantly. “Say, Cheese!” But as I reminisced and looked through 100’s of photos this week (it wasn't 1000’s because I didn't start posting on Facebook until 2008 and we aren't toting family photos in our Airstream!), it made me think that it is sad that we get hung up on the not-so-good parts of life instead of focusing on all the good. There were many happy moments. I am so glad I can look back at the photos and remember them. As THAT obnoxious photographer, I am enjoying a moment (or 10!) of vindication. Dear family, you are all welcome!