Still Learning Lessons from Mom

My 60^th birthday is just days away, so I am reflecting on the 60 great women who have helped me reach 60. The beautiful woman who gave birth to me tops that list. Sadly, we lost our mom 11 years ago. I don’t know why I wrote it that way. She died. She isn’t out wandering around—although I wish she were.

Our mom (I shared her with my sister & brother) was an awesome mother. While most people probably think of their moms as awesome, as I have gotten older, I appreciate how wonderful she was. As a young girl, mom was in and out of foster care. Her parents were alive, but because of their own struggles (multiple marriages and drinking), mom and her brother were shuttled around. Despite not having a great example of what it takes to be a terrific mom, our mom instinctively did all the right things. She was our Brownie Girl Scout Leader and the Swim Team President. She welcomed our friends into our home, loved and accepted them. She sewed our clothes and listened to our teen-age drama. She baked cookies and made home-cooked meals that we shared around our dining table every night. When I was younger, I took for granted that she knew how to do those things. I now wish I had asked her more about her difficult childhood.

She did give us hints. I knew she grew up poor and because of that she did not like us to watch television programs that she thought of as sad—I never understood why “The Waltons” was one of the programs she didn’t like. She said there was “enough sadness.” She preferred sitcoms. Mom had a great laugh and a good sense of humor. She called me “Ju Ju” and worked hard to make each of us kids feel valued and equal.  

Mom was proud of all of us, but had a special
soft spot for her youngest and only son.

Mom & my brother
dancing in her kitchen.

I learned many valuable lessons from my mom and think of her often. She taught me how to pass a large truck on the freeway, at night, in the rain. I think of her every time I must pass a semi tractor trailer. She taught us that once we accepted an invitation, we could not cancel even if a “better offer” came along—it didn’t matter whether it was a prom date or a play date. If we wanted to cancel, we had to stay home. Mom was decent, fair, and respectful to all people. Mom (and dad) taught us to dance. They would have us close our eyes and move to the music. Mom loved dancing. I can still remember her favorite dance moves. Mom had deep friendships with other women. She showed me the value of maintaining close relationships. I am still friends with some of mom’s closest friends. So many days I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her. I loved that she was crafty and creative. She was also very giving. One of the times Tony was deployed to Iraq, mom helped make Christmas stockings for everyone in his unit. Even when mom didn’t have much, she shared what she had. Mom was gracious and loving to dad’s mom—even though Grandma made no secret about not liking mom. Our mom was a class act.

I realize I am making her sound like a superhero. I think I tend to do that when someone I love dies. Suddenly, they have no faults. There is a light glowing around their perfect aura. But that’s not fair to them or their memory. My mom was beautiful (a movie-star beauty in her 20’s). She was kind, smart and loving, but she was also flawed and human—as I am too. I want my children to learn from my flaws and mistakes. Some of the most important lessons I learned from my mom came from her more “human” characteristics.

My mom was a smoker. She started smoking at 15, as many of her generation did. While our dad stopped smoking before we were even old enough to remember that he smoked, mom could not stop. I am not sure how hard she tried. Smoking ultimately helped lead to her early death at 68. From a very young age, I knew that I would never try a cigarette because I hated the smoke and stink of it.

Mom also neglected her health, in part because she was afraid of doctors and dentists. Because of her fear of dentists, she lost her teeth, which not only changed her beautiful smile, but caused her pain and embarrassment and affected her overall health. Whenever I am nervous about a doctor’s or dentist appointment, I think about how our mom suffered because of her fears.

Mom married three times. Her name was became "Crouch," but to not confuse
her grandchildren, she continued to be called "Grandma B."

Mom was also afraid of boats, planes, and most travel. She would complain that while my sister and I went to Hawaii with the high school swim team, she had never been. I remember being so proud to present her and dad with the money I had saved so they could finally go to Hawaii. I was sad to learn she bought patio furniture with that money. She was afraid to travel. When my dad was going to Mexico, she declined to join him, and he took our brother. Fear kept mom from many adventures. I have inherited some of that fear and work hard to not let fear rule my life.

While mom’s parents were alcoholics, she always vowed that she would not go down that road. While we were growing up, she kept her promise to herself, but as we got older, she began drinking—just socially at first. When she and my dad got divorced after nearly 25 years of marriage, she started drinking more. It was heartbreaking to watch. I knew I couldn’t talk to her late in the day because she would begin repeating herself. I had a difficult and honest conversation with my mom about her drinking when I ran out of excuses about why I wouldn’t take our children to see her when we lived across the country from her. She cried and said she understood. I offered her help if she wanted to stop drinking. Instead, our relationship changed to one of early-in-the-day conversations and annual visits to her home without our children. We both pretended not to notice.

My biggest regret was not spending more time with my mom.

When I think of my mom, I still think of the beautiful, funny woman who would stroke my hair when I was upset and reassure me that life was going to be okay. Mom was right. Life is better than okay. While I feel sadness knowing that mom’s life started out hard and ended hard, I am comforted to know that she was loved by her third husband, Billy, and his family, as well as her children and grandchildren. She left a beautiful legacy despite her demons.

I hope my children remember me as fondly as I remember my mom.

But Wait! There’s More…

I remember mom telling me how much she enjoyed the TV show “Monk.” She asked often if we watched it. We didn’t and now I wish I had taken the time to watch it and chat with her about it. Ironically (11 years after her death), Tony and I stumbled on “Monk” and have begun binge watching the eight seasons of mom’s favorite show. She was right (of course!). It is funny. Now, I think of her every time we watch an episode. Mom is still teaching me. 😉

Me, Mom, and Dad

Mom liked this wine and asked the restaurant
if she culd buy some. We all laughed at the size of the box!
We finished this wine at her memorial service.

Mom and her kiddos, Jake, Judy & Janet.

We all love and miss mom.